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 1. What is adoption?
There are two perspectives to
consider in answering this question. One is from a legal
point of view and the other is from a social/emotional
perspective. Legally, adoption is the process of
transferring parental rights from one set of parents to
another.
This comes either through voluntary surrenders or
court orders. For adoptive parents, it is accepting full
legal custody of a child not born to them and
 raising the
child as their very own.
However, adoption is much more
than a legal process. Adoption is full of social and
emotional factors for birth parents, adoptees and adoptive
parents. Indeed, just consider the many books there are on
adoption to get a sense of the wide range of issues
involved. Successful adoptions openly embrace this reality.
Good agency adoption practices focus their services to meet
the needs of everyone involved.
2. How can I be sure adoption is
the right decision for me?
Making a decision for adoption
is one of the most important decisions a person will ever
make. This is why professional counseling and assistance in
this process can be very helpful. Good decision making
involves many factors, including exploring options, weighing
pros and cons, anticipating consequences, clarifying values,
searching the heart and remaining objective. You must be
careful how you compare yourself to others. What is "right"
for one person may not be "right" for another.
You need to realize there are
many misunderstandings and myths about adoption. Talk to
adoption experts to get the true facts. It is understood
that decisions are made in the current context of one's
life. The future is unknown and circumstances may change,
but decisions are made in the present time. All one can do
is the best they can do with what they know at the present
time. This is how to make a responsible decision.
3. Is adoption harmful to a
child?
Certainly not in most every
situation. Adoption provides a child with a loving mother
and father who have been carefully screened and approved.
Adoption provides an opportunity for couples who cannot have
children biologically to have children. Because of this,
they are extremely grateful for the sacrifice of birth
mothers and are highly motivated parents.
Unfortunately, the media and
some well meaning people often misrepresent the impact of
adoption on a child by giving the impression that adopted
children have more emotional, psychological and behavioral
problems than non-adopted children. In reality, however,
this is not true. To support this assertion, there has
recently been a very large study done on adopted children
which revealed that adopted children are doing as well as,
and even in some ways, better than non-adopted children.
AGAPE can provide more information on this study if you are
interested.
4. What is meant by the term
“open adoption?”
Open adoption is a term used in
different ways by different people. Therefore, it can be
somewhat confusing. The degree of openness in adoption means
the extent of contact and communication between birth
parents and the adoptive family. This can range from a few
non-identifying contacts through letters, sharing of
pictures and even meetings to full disclosure of identities
and more frequent contacts. The extent of openness is worked
out between the parties themselves.
5. Can I choose and meet the
adoptive family?
Yes! This is part of what's
involved in openness in adoption. Birth parents are given
extensive information on prospective adoptive families and
have the opportunity to meet and interview them. The choice
of a family for your child is yours. At AGAPE, we play the
role of bringing people together. We empower parties to take
more charge of their destiny and work together toward
mutually satisfying outcomes.
6. How carefully are the
adoptive parents screened and evaluated?
Going through the approval
process to be an adoptive parent is a very detailed and
time-consuming experience. Each family goes through an
educational and training process to learn about important
adoption issues. They also go through an extensive
evaluation process called an "Adoptive Home Study." This
includes a series of interviews and reference checks to
determine their emotional stability, parenting understanding
and ability, financial security, motivation and
understanding of adoption, marital stability, etc. Not
everyone who applies to adopt is approved.
7. Will my child resent me for
choosing adoption?
Although this is a common fear
of birth parents, it is based upon worse case scenarios that
do not happen in good adoption practices. The most
significant influence on attitudes about being adopted come
from the adoptive parents. In years past out of fear of the
birth parents, some adoptive parents would talk little about
the birth parents. But this is not the case today. Adoptive
parents have very positive attitudes about birth parents and
convey this in special ways to their child. Openness also
helps to facilitate this. Adoptees know their birth parents
love them and wanted the best for them.
8. Can the adoptive parents
truly love my child?
This is also a common fear, but
is again based in an exaggerated perspective of a worst-case
scenario which does not happen. Adoptive parents open their
hearts to a child and love the child as if born to them.
Bonding and attachment begins immediately and it is both
ways! If you know an adoptive parent, you know how true this
is.
9. How much contact can I
have with my child and the adoptive parents after placement?
This is again part of what is
involved in open adoptions. (See our web site section link
on open and closed adoptions.) The extent of contact is
initially determined by mutual agreement prior to placement.
However, as relationships develop over time, the amount and
kind of contact is often negotiated to fit the current
context of the relationship. Pictures, letters and future
meetings are common in current adoption practices.
10. What if I don’t want the
birth father involved in the adoption?
We understand there are many
times when there is a strained relationship between the
birth mother and birth father. We also know there are many
other reasons why a birth mother may wish for the father of
the baby not to be involved. The reasons why will need to be
better understood to answer this question fully. The laws
about a father’s rights vary state to state. We can help you
understand the laws in your state and the options you can
consider as you proceed further.
11. What role can a cooperative
birth father play in the adoption process?
There are many times when the
mother and father are in a cooperative relationship and want
to work constructively together for the adoption of the
child. This is the best of circumstances and something to
celebrate. Being cooperative with the mother opens many
doors of possibility for birth fathers. Under these
conditions, they can be involved in every step of the
process. The problems come when the birth father is not
cooperating with the plans of the birth mother. This can
take many forms and is impossible to address in a short
paragraph. Realize that we deal with this all the time and
would be happy to talk with you about this further.
12. What if the birth father is
uncooperative?
If you, as a birth mother, are
wanting to place your child for adoption and the birth
father is unwilling to cooperate, this presents added
challenges to the adoption process. Unfortunately, it is a
fairly common occurrence. There are a variety of reasons why
a birth father would be uncooperative along with a variety
of ways he can act out his uncooperative stance. These must
be taken into consideration to understand what they mean to
the adoption process. Sometimes, some level of intervention
on our part can resolve the situation. At other times, it
may require legal intervention. The outcome depends on many
factors, including how reasonable, stable and
self-sufficient the birth father is, what his financial
situation is, what kind of support he has from his family,
etc. All of this highlights how that each situation is
different.
13. How confidential is
adoption?
There are several aspects to
adoption which impact the level of confidentiality. When
working with an adoption agency, professional ethics
guarantee the highest level of confidentiality of privileged
information as allowed by law. This is like a “therapist to
client” relationship. Information received about you is
considered privileged and confidential. Sharing of this
information only occurs with a signed release of
information.
However, if there is openness in
the adoption process, this opens-up the communication
between the birth and adoptive parents and reduces the
control of information and, subsequently, the amount of
confidentiality. Then there are legal circumstances which
may require some disclosure of information. All of this can
be discussed with each birth parent prior to any actions
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